Dog grief

[D'Elle]

I wish that I could do something for my Kit dog. She is 14, and has been with me since 2008. Since the day she first walked into my life, her whole world has revolved around Jester. She thought that the sun and moon rose in him and I knew it would be hard for her when he died.

 

Jester died on June 24th, and everyone in the household, of course, is affected by that, although I doubt the cats care. The dog pack is re-structuring, of course, but it seems to be going smoothly so far. But Kit is not herself at all. She goes every single day to Jester's grave and tries to dig it up. The other dogs visit the grave every day as well, sniff around it, pee near it and so on, but Kit always tries to dig it up.

 

If she is experiencing grief the way people do then really there is nothing I can do to help her. I know no matter how well-meaning, no one can ease another's grief.

 

But I wish there were something I could do for her to make her feel better.

Has anyone else had experience with canine grief, and was there anything that helped?

 

Photo below of Kit

 

[Beach BCs]

It was a very long time ago, I was maybe 12...but when my GSD (a canine extrovert) passed away my St Bernard mix (a canine introvert) was completely at a loss. Snoop and Max weren't exactly best buds but Max relied heavily on Snoop. Max was easily bullied by other neighborhood dogs and Snoop (although not always easy on Max) protected Max from other dogs. He was very depressed for a while. Max did get better with time. But I'm not really sure he was ever 100%. But he was happy again.

 

Is there anything Kit likes to do? Games or tasks?

[GentleLake]

Awww. Poor Kit.

 

None of my dogs ever seemed to grieve for their missing pack mates, at least not that in any way that was noticeable to me. Of course, I've never buried a dog at my home, so perhaps that may have made a difference.

 

I suspect you may already be doing this, but maybe spending some time doing things with just Kit that she especially enjoys might help?

 

Otherwise, I think that just like with us, dogs need their own time to grieve and recover and there's no set time for that to happen.

 

ETA: I'm sending some Reiki Kit's way.

[jvw]

I'm not sure how you feel about this kind of stuff, but I have used the flower essences from this company in the past. If nothing else it can't hurt.

 

https://www.greenhopeessences.com/essences/grief-and-loss

 

I have no advice for you. But I was thinking about all of you this morning. I lost my girl 10 days before Jester. She and Seamus never appeared close. They did not fight. They just seemed to have separate orbits. In the last months they did have some what seemed like tender moments. Mutual grooming mostly. But still nothing that indicated a bond. But I completely underestimated how dependent Seamus was on Tyra. He is not himself at all (part of it is that he is also having aging issues). He has NEVER been a lone dog, EVER. Turns out he is not house broken! He must have always relied on other dogs indicating a need to go out. He also is timid about going out alone now (unless I have a ball). In general he is just off. So I feel for you. I too am at a loss for what to do. Other than just support him the best I can and wait for time to help.

[D'Elle]

Gentle Lake, thanks for the Reiki.

The thing with Kit is that pretty much every activity she enjoys involves Jester. She doesn't fetch, but she was deeply involved with Jester's fetching. The way it looked, she had made up intricate rules for herself as to her role in Jester's twice-daily fetch play. She would run a certain way next to him, then peel off, come back, go around a shrub, double back, meet up with him, and then follow him back to me. All at lightning speed. She wore a path in the dirt of the yard because she always went the same way. :-) When Jes lost much of his eyesight, her role changed and she would track where the toy went and if he lost it she'd go get it, bring it close to him, and stand there staring at it until he found it by finding her.

 

I have tried to get Boo to fetch because Kit has indicated that she'd play the same game with him. But Boo is good for two or three throws and then he is done. Kit does love to tug, and I am tugging with her, but I can only do so much of that ...only briefly and gently...because she is an elder herself and I don't want to hurt her. It is too warm outside for us to go hiking or even for walks, really. I just feel so bad for her.

 

I feel for you, as well, jvw, and for your dog. I am giving Rescue Remedy in the water for all of the dogs. don't know if it is helping.

[Islanddog]

No, not dog grief, but I had two siamese cats, and when one died, the other was affected. It was sad, nothing much to do about it, except know that the bond they have with you will be all the more important. So just be there.

My cat had to 'make do' with just me, and gave him what I could.

 

Just give Kit your mind, your time, it will be appreciated. I think grieving is the same for animals, different with each individual, but the same as in you cannot make it go away for someone living it. You can just be there and available.

 

PS. for 'gentle tug' that Kit can control, hold the toy with your weakest fingers/grip, and then let Kit dictate what a good game is. That way, you can be genuinely trying hard and make it a good game, and Kit can chose to win if she likes. Sonic (who doesn't actually want to win) taught me this.

[Blackdawgs]

My old pit bull died one month ago. She was my female Border Collie's rock. About 6 weeks prior to my dog's death, the female BC was very anxious and was digging and lying in holes, which she had never done before. After my dog's death, the female was very anxious and looked "old" (stiff) for about 10-14 days. I was close to taking her to the vet, but she snapped out of it and seems quite content now. I think that it was less about her grief than her reaction to the whole situation and to my grief.

 

The male Border Collie liked my pitbull much more than she liked him. Although they never fought, both wanted to be #1. After the pitbull died, he became much calmer in the house because I think that much of his acting out was attention-seeking behavior. He now sleeps in my deceased dog's bed. Two nights ago, he started flinging a kong around the house hoping that the stuff would fall out. He had never done that before, although my pitbull did it all the time.

 

Anyway, you may want to consider that the changes in your dog's behavior are more about changes in routine and in you, than grief over the passing of your dog.

[teresaserrano]

The thing with Kit is that pretty much every activity she enjoys involves Jester. She doesn't fetch, but she was deeply involved with Jester's fetching. The way it looked, she had made up intricate rules for herself as to her role in Jester's twice-daily fetch play. She would run a certain way next to him, then peel off, come back, go around a shrub, double back, meet up with him, and then follow him back to me. All at lightning speed. She wore a path in the dirt of the yard because she always went the same way. :-) When Jes lost much of his eyesight, her role changed and she would track where the toy went and if he lost it she'd go get it, bring it close to him, and stand there staring at it until he found it by finding her.

The dogs I talked about in another thread, mom and daughter, where the same. The daughter didn't do stuff, mom did and she went along. They where water dogs and loved swimming, we would throw a stick and both would fly into the water and swim fast and furious, but it was always the mom that brought the stick back. She loved to chase the birds at the beach, and the daughter chased her. She was always a follower.

 

I suspect that grief is something each individual overcomes at his pace and in his time, but a friendly shoulder and one on one love and attention always helps. Have you tried taking her swimming? It's relaxing and fun and a heat friendly activity.

[alligande]

I have had two dogs suffer from the loss of a friend, Jester like your Kit was an old lady when she lost her partner of 10 years, they were a miss matched pair, he was a border collie, she was a GSD/beagle mix. After he died she just mopped, but what heart breaking was every time she saw another dog she would waddle after them just looking for company. After 3 months we decided to get another dog, and ended up with Brody, she hated him a 3 year border collie was not what she wanted, but she snapped out of her depression almost immediately, he was at least company.

When Brody died young, Rievaulx had only known life with him and he was really miserable but this time we could not get him a new friend as we already knew we were moving to Europe, so it had to be time, and it was at least 6 months till he started to bounce back,

[Gloria Atwater]

I've seen grief in our own dogs. Most times, when a dog passes of old age, it seems that our pack simply adjusts, maybe seems subdued and quiet for a couple weeks. But our first dog, Cub, was an Aussie with a tail and her best friend was our second dog, Nikki, a spaniel-BC mix whom we rescued from a life being tied on a chain. They became the very best of pals and when Cub the Aussie finally died of old age, Nikki became withdrawn and lost. We got a puppy the next year but though Nikki accepted the pup in a distant kind of way, she never did bond with any other subsequent dogs. Nikki lived probably another 5 or 6 years (lived to age 16) as this quiet little thing on the fringes of our family. We've often said that Nikki was Cub's dog, not ours.

So ... it can happen. All we can do is love them, give them as much good as we can, and hope the passing of time will help them settle into the new shape of their lives. Poor Kit.

~ Gloria

[D'Elle]

Thanks for the replies, and the stories. Somehow it always helps to hear of the experiences of others.

Teresaserrano, I can't take her swimming. Neither of us can swim, and there's no water here. We are desert dwellers :-) But I have started taking her for a walk every morning before it gets too warm. That may distract her a bit.

 

Kit does seem to be doing a little bit better as the days go by. I am trying to give her extra loving. A friend of mine has offered me some really big rocks to put on Jester's grave to encourage her to stop trying to dig it up. I think I will go get them in the next few days. I understand her wanting to dig it up, but at some point I have to say enough is enough.

[Liz P]

I had two Border Collies who were extremely close. They had each others back and trusted each other completely. I lost one to cancer at age 11, when the other was 8 years old. It was devastating enough for me, but then I realized the younger dog was genuinely depressed. It took more than a year for him to come out of his funk and I can't honestly say he was ever quite the same dog. I just did the best I could with him; extra one on one attention, playing his favorite games, trips to see family members that he really loved. They are all individuals, just like people, so all grieve differently.

[Root Beer]

Sammie was never the same after we lost Speedy. I had always thought the two of them ignored each other completely, and I didn't realize how close they actually were until Speedy was gone. Sammie very clearly missed him and grieved.

 

But then, after we lost Sammie, four months later, Tessa grieved very obviously. And it didn't help matters that I got a puppy within a couple of weeks after that. She needed me, and of course so much of my energy was taken up by the puppy.

 

After Bandit had settled in, I realized how depressed Tessa had become. Actually, I thought she was sick, and I had a complete medical workup on her - which revealed absolutely nothing. That was when I realized that she was grieving so much for her boys.

 

Then I started spending more time with her, and that helped. I also put her on a supplement called "Composure" and that seemed to help her a lot.

 

It took about six months before she got back to herself again.

[MyRuna]

My heart goes out to you and Kit and also Blackdawgs and jvw. Losing a dog is very hard and so is watching the remaining dogs struggling with the change. I hope Kit recovers soon.

 

I have a 14 year old dog, Shayde, who lost the center of her universe last July. Zuri passed at the age of 7 (ruptured tumor on her spleen). The first couple months were terrible for both of us. During that time, I gave her lots of love and attention, but it's hard waiting to see that joy for life that seems to be missing.

 

After a couple months, we adopted BC Runa. Like alligande's dog, Jester, Shayde wasn't exactly thrilled with the addition, but seemed to come around. Now, she is the boss and I catch them grooming each other.

 

I did see physical and behavioral changes with Shayde those first few months.

 

Shayde was eight when I adopted her, very timid, absolutely terrified of men (would hide behind my legs and shake if one even looked at her), would run and hide on the second floor if anyone came to the door. Zuri became her rock. Shayde took all her cues from Zuri. It wasn't long before she stayed at the front door with Zuri to say "hi" to visitors. Eventually, she would let men pet her, but only after Zuri had given them her okay.

The first time someone came to the front door after Zuri passed, Shayde ran up and hid on the second floor. Something she hadn't done in over six years and it broke my heart. She seemed very subdued, didn't get excited for walks. Then, in about a month, I noticed she was losing all the hair on her tail. I wondered if it was depression/stress. Went to the Vet, who was sure it was a thyroid problem. The thyroid panel was negative. Then the Vet suspected Cushings, but none of the results indicated that either. Never did get a diagnosis.