Is my grieving normal even though I have a new addition

[Nikita4ever]

I have a new member of my family Dashia, she is a Shepherd Mix.

She is a cute little thing 9 weeks old black and caramel coloring, but no matter how much I play with her, love her I still cry over the passing of my Nikita.

 

I bonded with Dashia when I picked her up she immediately fell asleep on my shoulder and is a Mommy’s girl, but as cold as this may sound I do not feel that extra special bond I felt with Nikita. The little girl follows me everywhere and loves for me to hold her, but with Nikita there was just something extra I can’t describe. Don’t get me wrong I love Dashia and am going to spoil her rotten but I always am thinking about Nikita.

 

I know it has only been two weeks and everyone keeps telling me time will help heal the wounds, but I don’t know if it will. Dashia is helping with some of the pain because the little rascal keeps me busy and is a total lover. Like Bustopher Jones said Nikita is my “Heart Dog” and everyday I read the Ode to a heart Dog. But I keep telling myself I will meet Nikita again at the Rainbow Bridge.

 

I was to the point of missing Nikita so much I was not functioning and my husband thought it best that I get a new puppy to help take my mind off of things. To me when Nikita passed I lost my daughter and life ended. Everything in the house reminded me of Nikita and I wanted to get rid of stuff because the memories were too painful. I packed away some of her things like her bed, collar, food and water bowels, a toy duck that had her cookies crumbs on it from playing tug with it after she ate a cookie etc. I know I sound a little extreme but I loved her so much. At first I did not want Dashia playing with any of Nikita’s old toys (she has three toy boxes full of toys) but then I realized it was not fair to Dashia. I also wanted another BC like Nikita but the couple of BC’s I looked at did not bond to me like Dashia and my husband said to ignore the breed and go for the puppy that bonds with me. Plus if I got another BC I was worried I would compare her to Nikita and expect her to be like Nikita which was not fair to the puppy. Plus there is only one Nikita and that is what makes her so special.

 

I am just not handling her passing very well and I am so depressed and my heart hurts,

Dashia is a great little girl and I love her but thoughts of my Princess run through my mind all the time. Am I being too obsessive with Nikita’s passing or is this normal and in time I won’t be as distraught?

 

Also, everyone here has been so wonderful to me even though I did not get another BC I hope I can still post. I have many puppy questions since it has been 12 ½ years since I had a pup.

 

Thank you everyone!

[Tommy Coyote]

You need more time. Two weeks is not very long. Keep loving your puppy and loving your memories of Nikita. Grieving takes a long time. I still cry when I think of my long gone dogs. I loved them. I miss them. And I also love the dogs that are with me now.

 

At some point the grieving turns into wonderful memories.

[Sue R]

I think you are perfectly normal. I lost Skye as a youngster almost seven years ago, and I still get a tear in my eye when thinking of him sometimes. My arms ached for him and when I got Celt just about six weeks after Skye was killed, I loved him at first sight - but still cried for Skye when I thought of him, which was often.

 

We lost Bute just in May, and little Dan was already here in our home, along with Celt and Megan, whom we love dearly. But we both still get choked up over Bute at times when we remember special times or some of his quirks and habits.

 

Just because you have a new dog with which to share your heart (and congratulations to you for that!) doesn't mean there still isn't a hole there that Nikita left by her passing. Dashia isn't taking Nikita's place in your heart, but she's making a place of her own.

 

Very best wishes with Dashia, and with your grief over losing Nikita becoming less painful with time and more of a pleasant celebration of her life with you.

[Sam'smom]

I think what you're feeling is pretty normal, I know it took me a while to get over the loss of my last dog Toby, and really it's only been 2 weeks? Give youself some time!! A new puppy is wonderful but it will never be the same. When Mourning Toby I know it might sound a bit corny but.. to honor his life I put together a scrapbook photo album dedicated to him and my best memories of him.. that helped alot.. I laughed at the goofy pic's and the good times he brought. When I was finished the album I felt ready to get a new puppy.. and Sam came into my life, My bond with him is entirely different than the relationship I had with Toby It has taken a while to really feel a strong bond with him.. I love him dearly but it really isn't the same. Each dog brings something special to our lives..

[Sue R]

...When Mourning Toby I know it might sound a bit corny but.. to honor his life I put together a scrapbook photo album dedicated to him and my best memories of him.. that helped alot.. I laughed at the goofy pic's and the good times he brought...

When we lost Bute, my DH amazed me by asking me to compile all our pictures that included him, and to write up a little "biography" with his story and especially his little "Bute-isms" that made him such a personality. I'm still working on the story, but I did post his memorial on these boards the day after he died - it was something that I was very glad to do because it helped me so much to write about him, select a few favorite pictures, and to feel the support that so many wonderful people gave us in their caring posts.

 

Every now and then, I discover Ed looking at Bute's photos or a video he took with Bute in it, less than a week before he died.

 

Meanwhile, as I type now, Dan-Man (the Gas-Man) is lying at my feet and earning his nickname of "Stinky". Someday, a long time in the future, that will be a fond memory, too...

[KrisK]

No, nothing is wrong with your grieving process. Brandy, was my heart dog. I lost her 10 years ago at the age of 16 1/2. There are times when it is her name that comes to my lips, even though I brought Jazz into my life 10 weeks after Brandy died. They are always with you and your grief will subside as time goes on...but it does take time.

 

Dashia will find her way into her own spot in your heart....but in the meantime you can still mourn for Nikita.

[learning_to_love_BCs]

I completely understand how you feel. I got Silver and Mack (my two rescue BCs) about 4 weeks after having lost my heart dog of 15 years. It was too soon, but Mack and Silver needed a home and I was terribly lonely without Allegra. I was still grieving for her and was afraid that I'd never bond with Mack and Silver. It took several months for my heart to be ready to love them as they deserved. I worried that I wasn't being fair to them -- but I was really their only chance at a home so I never considered returning them.

 

Now, 2+ years later, I adore my funny active quirky dogs. I still miss Allegra, probably always will. But I also LOVE Silver and Mack and wouldn't give them up for anything.

 

Hang in there. Give it time...and then maybe give it some more time. Eventually, your heart will be ready to love again. And your pup will be there waiting for you.

[urge to herd]

Sounds pretty normal to me. We lost Buzz last October, and I still cry about it, as does DH. And, we have two other dogs!

 

As far as bonding to Dashia, that will take time. The love and wonderful feelings you have for Nikita developed over many years. Nothing will replace that, but there's an amazing amount of room in your heart, plenty of room for Nikita's spirit to live on and for a new and wonderful dog named Dashia to make her own space there. No conflict at all.

 

Enjoy Dashia, remember and mourn for Nikita. Someone remarked after Buzz died that DH and I had to learn a new normal. We don't cry nearly as often, but I think of him every day, several times a day. The same will happen when Sami and Shonie pass on, we'll miss them, and gradually, the pain will become less. But the love and wonderful memories take up as much room as they need to.

 

Ruth

[desertranger]

I lost Bas 3 years ago, and there are others. I miss them all terribly and sopmetimes cry over their passing. I even call Jin Bas once in awhile. DW said I called Bas Fuzzer for 2 years. You will always mourn the passing of Nikita and in that you shall never forget.

[Cody & Duchess]

When I lost Jake - my sheltie rescue - a year and a quarter ago - my heart hurt. Jake went everywhere with us - to the office, on vacations, etc. After he died - our other dog Duchess hid if my husband was not in the house ( maybe because I was the one who brought Jake to the vet). I grieved because I felt like I lost two dogs. With time Duchess reappeared - but I missed Jake a lot. Two months later we adopted the year and half old Cody. He is no Jake. He did not replace Jake. But he is grand and wonderful on his own terms. Is Cody as special as Jake - absolutely - but it took time. I celebrate Cody for all his Codyishness. He is goofy, smart, loving and eccentric. I love my Jake, and now I love my Cody. Give it time - I don't think the hurt ever disappears - but you will love Dashia also.

[G. Festerling]

I lost my 14 year old and her 12 year old son within months of each other. At that point I had been in another country for 16 years without family with only my dogs as constant companions. I still miss them. This was 4 years ago. They truly where everything I could have ever wanted.

Although I had two others at the time, I went into avoidance and grieving without knowing it. Till now. It took time. I sidetracked with another breed and another venue.

Just in the last 2 years I have found my way back and beyond.

And just the last year or so I have truly been able to honor them in the way they deserved for all they gave to me.

It was and is a process.

Don't feel bad if the bonding is not instant. Don't feel bad for your grieving. Don't expect her to live up to your old gal's standard.

Sooner or later, Dashia will capture your heart with her own little antics. And maybe she will never be as big of a part of your life as Nikita was. But that is also ok. Allow yourself and her that. It will be just fine and in time Dashia will come into her own.

[Lewie'sMom]

When it was time to let my sweet Sam go I had to put his favorite “baby” in my closet high on a shelf. That was in August of 2007. My precious funny clown, Lewie, came to me three weeks later and will be 2 years old next week. Sam’s baby is still in my closet and I can’t bear to give it to my Lewie boy. So, no, you’re not weird and it’s not odd, you’re just grieving your sweet Nikita.

 

And, I agree with your DH. The breed is not important; the love and bond that forms between you and Dashia will help to warm and heal your heart.

 

And yes, you must continue to post here. Some of us have working Border collies, some of us have companion BCs and I’d guess some of us don’t have either. It’s the very special bond between human and canine that we celebrate.

[PSmitty]

Awww. Totally normal and understandable. Nobody will ever take Nikita's place in your heart, but your pain and grief will get easier with time. And Dashia WILL help with that, I promise. Just let yourself go at whatever pace feels comfortable.

[bc4ever]

Gentle one,

 

Two weeks is such a short time, although it probably feels like an eternity since you put your arms around your sweet Nikita. Cry. Grieve. Be angry. Love. Freely. Remember the good times...

 

Pam

[jamesqf]

Just two weeks? It's been more than three years since Harlie died, and it's a rare day that passes without a thought of her.

 

"We spoke in tears of fifteen years

How his dog and him, they travelled about.

The dog up and died, he up and died.

After twenty years he still grieves..."

[BustopherJones]

When I was young, the first pet I could truly say was mine (as opposed to the family's) was a gray-and-white cat named Minnie. If ever there was a bond between two beings, it was between us. She was with me for most of the years I was growing up, and into early adulthood. I won't bore you with all the stories I could tell you about this cat, including her seemingly psychic abilities when I was in the service. At 17 years old, she finally passed away due to cancer; I was 22 at the time.

 

That was 40+ years ago. It is a rare day that I don't think of her; I still miss her and mourn her. Even writing this response brings tears to my eyes. The fact that we don't forget is the way in which we most honor a pet's memory. But our pets also have a message for us:

 

ROOM IN YOUR HEART

 

Sorrow fills a barren space;

you close your eyes and see my face

and think of times I made you laugh,

the love we shared, the bond we had,

the special way I needed you -

the friendship shared by just we two.

 

The day's too quiet, the world seems older,

the wind blows now a little colder.

You gaze into the empty air

and look for me, but I'm not there -

I'm in heaven and I watch you,

and I see the world around you too.

 

I see little souls wearing fur,

souls who bark and souls who purr,

born unwanted and unloved -

I see all this and more above -

I watch them suffer, I see them cry,

I see them lost, I watch them die.

I see unwanted thousands born -

and when they die, nobody mourns.

 

These little souls wearing fur

(some who bark and some who purr)

are castaways who - unlike me -

will never know love or security.

A few short months they starve and roam,

or caged in shelters - nobody takes home.

They're special too (furballs of pleasure),

filled with love, and each one a treasure.

 

My pain and suffering came to an end,

so don't cry for me, my person, my friend.

But think of the living - those souls with fur

(some who bark and some who purr) -

And though our bond can't be broken apart,

make room for another in your home and your heart.

 

~ Caro Schubert-James

[Snorri the Priest]

It is now 40+ years since I was parted from my first-ever dog, a BC called Glen. I thought he would never have an equal, until I loved and lost my Snorri-dog, back in October '08. Snorri has a successor now, a little blue merle BC called Thorgeir. I am head-over-heels in love with Thorgeir, but he has never displaced my wonderful Snorri, and I doubt that he ever will, just like no dogs have ever displaced Glen. Do not fear to grieve over your Lost One, that would be to dishonour her, nor should you fail to love your new friend, that would not be fair.

 

 

Snorri

[Rebecca, Irena Farm]

I had more misgivings about getting Sam than I have about any other dog - usually I throw myself into the newcomer with a passion. It was so close to when I lost Ben in October. But I needed a pup in practical terms, mostly because Ben was gone.

 

For some reason, I picked Sam out easily from a still picture of the litter soon after they were born, but I still didn't feel any real connection.

 

Then I got this picture:

 

 

Probably it was just chance - maybe he was digesting a particularly good meal - but I imagined I saw a familiar spark in those wee eyes.

 

I strongly suspect that we make our dogs what they are to a great extent - pups especially. But with pups, they'll go through many stages until they settle into the type of dog you'll fall in love with. An adult adapts faster - that's why I counsel people who've been through the loss of an old one to choose a grown up rescue. But you just have to remember that the best and deepest loves grow gradually. That pup doesn't really have the maturity to bond the way you need right now. Give him time.

 

And yes, do stay around! You've got a lifetime with a Border Collie - and I hope you'll be able to share with us soon.

[bc friend]

For me, I've grieved differently over each pet I've lost. Some losses have taken years to work through - it has only been the last six months or so I stopped grieving the loss of Meg to cancer 4-1/2 yrs ago and started remembering the good memories. For other pets, in a few weeks or months, the grief gives way to only good memories. There have been lot of factors - age, health, bond with the pet, whether the death was sudden or expected, etc. So give yourself some time to grieve and in the meantime, I'll bet that puppy creeps into your heart w/o your even recognizing it.

[Elizabeth77]

Yes , it is not long since you lost Nikita and of course there is a huge hole in your heart. I have been thinking of you and wondering how you were getting on.

I agree with the others who said they can grieve for years after a beloved pet has passed away. I do this.

Take care of yourself and keep posting.

[MicheleS.]

Your sadness and grief over the loss of your Princess is completely understandable. Each dog we have in our lives was meant to be and as someone said earlier, each serves a special purpose in our lives.

Continue to cherish the memories and love you shared with your Princess. And go hug that special puppy.

Michele & Chase