Dealing with people

[simba]

So 2-3 days a week the dogs get minded by some very kind friends, without pay. They are our only option for petsitting at the moment. Today I got called over for a lecture in which I was told (1) they're very worried about the wet beds (one dog likes to trip over the water bowl). (2) The occasionally incontinent dog can't be so, it is simply that I am not being the leader enough. (3) It is cruel to keep dogs confined when they are unsupervised, and nonsense to say that dogs in a crate or smaller room are less likely to mess the place. Dogs need routine, you see, and they need to remember that you are the leader.

 

I just want the dog who is sensitive to many foods, an escape artist, and who the vet has very explicitly said will die if she keeps getting into things to be kept on-lead when outside or in the safest room when kept inside. I am worried that because they disagree with these policies that they won't follow them. How do I negociate this?

 

They have mostly stopped taking the dog's collar off and letting her loose outside, walking her on the road off-leash, feeding treats like sausages or scones, saying the normal-weight dog is starving (though they do still ask me to remember to feed her today) or re-adjusting the collar to be looser.

 

Part of the trouble is that I am younger and know nothing. And if I try and cite others I just get told that's nonsense and/or I should switch vets. They are really good, they love the dogs, I don't want to offend them. I just want to make sure the dogs are safe, and it does rankle a bit to be treated like this when I do try to educate myself a lot on this.

[Donald McCaig]

Dear Ms. Simba,

 

I have a hard time retraining good neighbors who visit the house "No. Don't let them out", "No they don't need a treat.", "Please don't crank them up." let alone a situation like yours where you aren't on site.

 

It is a fact that every American knows everything important there is to know about dogs. Breathing American air installs this knowledge. The only people who will accept your intructions are the few people who actually do know something about dogs and respect if not your expertise, your authority.

 

You write that your friends " have mostly stopped taking the dog's collar off and letting her loose outside, walking her on the road off-leash, feeding treats like sausages or scones, saying the normal-weight dog is starving (though they do still ask me to remember to feed her today) or re-adjusting the collar to be looser."

 

Pearls without price. Your pet sitters are as good as you'll find and cheaper. If they're not endangering your dogs, grin and bear it.

 

Donald McCaig

[simba]

I can put up with the talk, I'm just venting a bit. I do love and appreciate them, and agree with your assessment. My only worry is that they won't follow the rules I want and the dog will be put in danger. It all seems to be tending towards "the dog shouldn't be confined" and they could possibly make that decision without telling me.

[D'Elle]

 

They have mostly stopped taking the dog's collar off and letting her loose outside, walking her on the road off-leash, feeding treats like sausages or scones, saying the normal-weight dog is starving (though they do still ask me to remember to feed her today) or re-adjusting the collar to be looser.

 

 

If someone were doing any of those things with my dogs, or anything else that clearly endangered them, I would not let them look after my dogs even one day. If your dogs are walked off leash on a road even one time they can be killed. If your allergic dog gets the wrong thing to eat even one time, that dog could die. These are serious dangers. Find a different pet sitter.

[gcv-border]

I am on the same page with Donald and D'Elle: If your dog-sitters are endangering your dogs - and from your description, it sound like they are putting them at risk on several different levels - you should make other arrangements. I don't know what the answer is since you say they are your only option, but try brainstorming some more to find another option for your dogs.

 

Even though you are younger, they are YOUR dogs. They should listen to you. When I use kennels or petsitters, I realize that they won't do everything exactly as I do, but if someone were to cross the line where my dogs are at risk, that is NOT acceptable and I would never use them again.

 

About 20 years ago, DH and I went away for a weekend so I arranged for a friend to stay at the house from Friday night through Sunday morning to feed the 2 cats and feed and walk the one dog. These guys were very easy keepers. Luckily, we decided to come home early on Sunday (we arrived home at 11 am instead of 3 or 4 pm.) Imagine our surprise when we discovered that NO ONE had fed, watered, or walked any of the pets since Saturday afternoon. I was steaming. Apparently my 'friend' got a last minute invite to go away for the weekend with a new guy, so she arranged for another male friend of hers to cover for her. Obviously neither she, nor her friend, were very responsible. It really did affect my perception of her. I was never close to her after that - and obviously would never trust her with my pets again. (I thought she was responsible because she was a live-in nanny.)

 

Edited to add: Even though she was my friend, I was paying her for the pet-sitting job. It wasn't just a favor.

[Tommy Coyote]

That's the problem with having friends take care of things. Sometimes they forget to come by. They take chances they shouldn't. If they want to handle their own dogs that way then that is their business. Your dogs should be handled the way you want - as long as what you want is safe. If I don't think the dogs are safe I won't take the job.

 

As a pet sitter I never walk dogs off leash. Even the ones that do well stay on leash when I've got them. I don't even know what to say about the other stuff. Those people are just wrong but trying to change their minds is not going to work. They believe they are right and you are wrong.

 

One day I got locked out of a house when the glass door closed and locked behind me. There I was with the dog and it was 85 outside so I couldn't leave him in the car. And the owner wouldn't be home until 6. I couldn't board him because I didn't have his shots record. I took him over to a friend and asked her to please just put him in the bedroom until I could get back and get him. I must have told her 5 times not to let him out with her dog because I didn't want him to get hurt. Yea, yea, yea. And then the minute I left she let the dogs out together. And they were OK but they might not have been and I would have had to pay a vet bill and try to explain to the owners why I had done something so reckless.

 

She keeps asking to help me with the animals I care for and I just keep saying I'm fine and don't need help right now. I don't trust her judgment when it comes to animals. She just doesn't know enough and won't listen.

 

Could you afford to have a pet sitter come over once a day? How long are you gone at a time? I take care of quite a few dogs that have to stay in crates. If they get into stuff and tear stuff up they are much safer in their crates. And it doesn't hurt them at all as long as they get out for a while and can run around and then get a good drink. I have a job coming up where the dogs only get let out 2x a day. I don't like that but the dogs are young and will be fine. So what I do is stay longer so they get about 45 minutes to just run outside - they have a good fenced yard. They just come back in, get a drink, get back in their crates and go to sleep until I get back again.

 

For the little incontinent guys we just keep a stack of washable blankets and I just put a new one down every time I come. I just try to keep them as clean as I possible can. Usually those dogs just stay in a confined area. That way they can get away from the pee. We usually just use gates and keep them in the kitchen on the tile floor. You can also buy those bed pads for incontinent people. They are longer than pee pads and fit right into the bottom of the crate. And they absorb the pee and keep the bed dry.

[simba]

The dogs aren't in crates, they're in a small room together with beds and a water bowl. The sitters currently let them out every couple of hours and play ball with them.

 

They have, as far as I know, stopped doing those things (off-lead on road and such). The thing that scares me though is that when they were happening I would, for example, get calls saying the dog was running through traffic while the pet sitter walked them and the response was flat denial, and "Who said that?" Or they'd feed the dog something in front of me and then talk about how they never fed the dog. The dog got into their bin, was vomiting, and they only called me several hours later when the dog was in serious distress (pancreatitis, hence now sensitive and special diet etc.). Or the dog went missing after they'd removed the collar and they only told me when I went to pick her up, although they helped me look for her. They wouldn't recognise this description at all, they tend to check up on me a lot since they feel I'm a lot less experienced than they are. For example after the pancreatitis I got scolded for confining the dog when unsupervised even if that was for the day, and asking them not to have the dog at their house, since I was being cruel and unrealistic and wasn't seeing the full picture.

 

And in fairness some of their criticisms of my dog husbandry are perfectly legitimate.

 

What I want to happen is easy to do- let them out to pee and exercise, feed what I weigh out and leave, keep them locked in the safe room, and make.sure there's water. That's not ideal for the dogs but from my point of view it's a lot better than leaving them somewhere they can get into things.

 

Alternative arrangements really aren't possible at the moment. If there was a way I'd already be using it.

[simba]

Maybe if I wrote a note with really clear-cut rules: dogs' collars never to be removed, only.food given to be fed, dogs never to be left out of the one room when unsupervised, escape artist always on lead when outside etc.

[Root Beer]

Could you get a note from your vet about the one who should not get into anything else?

 

That might carry some authoritative weight with them . . .

[GentleLake]

Maybe if I wrote a note with really clear-cut rules: dogs' collars never to be removed, only.food given to be fed, dogs never to be left out of the one room when unsupervised, escape artist always on lead when outside etc.

 

Even that doesn't always work.

 

I left 2 of my dogs with a pet sitter at Christmas and clearly written out instructions, including clearly labeled dishes of food (my dogs are raw fed). Dishes were labeled with things like "Tansy - Wednesday noon, plus 1 duck neck" beside another dish marked "duck necks" and "Tilly - Wednesday noon/ duck neck in PM" beside another dish clearly marked "duck necks" and similarly labeled dishes marked for Thursday.

 

Came home on Friday to find the Wednesday meals and the necks gone, but the Thursday meals were still there. So they'd only gotten half their food each day.

 

And this was someone I was paying.

 

Just glad I wasn't gone longer. As it was, it threw 17 y.o. Tilly off and I had to clean up after her for almost a week till I got her regulated again.

 

I don't understand how some people manage to get by in life . . .

[Liz P]

Friend of mine hired a pet sitter for 2 weeks while she was on vacation. She came home to a house full of accidents, empty water dishes, bins full of food, dogs very thin and hungry. Thankfully the bathroom doors were open, so they were able to drink water from the toilets. Turns out the pet sitter never bother to show up. I won't leave mine in the care of anyone I don't trust completely.

 

Do your dogs HAVE to be let out mid day?

[simba]

I'm away for a few days each week, so it's not just a lunchtime thing.

[simba]

At first I was feeling extremely ungrateful- normally I'm more grateful towards them, and I felt very very guilty about these posts and this thread. Still do, actually, kind of disloyal.

 

But now that I think about it- they walked the other dog on the road without a lead and she got hit by a car and had her hip broken and had to be confined for months, they continued to walk the other dog on the road without a lead when I repeatedly told them not to, they don't listen to anything I ask them to, what the hell?

 

I had never realised how much the incidents added up until I counted them for the purposes of this. Was calling around/brainstorming again today to find alternatives.

 

Edit: they walked one dog on the road without a lead and she got hit by a car. They then continued to walk the other dog on the road without a lead, after that, because "She's so good off-lead, she's always good when I walk her on the road." This is the dog who climbed out of my car window one day, (did not realise she could do that) and stopped traffic in three directions. I got people stopping (rightly) to tell me she was a public menace. This is also the same dog I got the call about, that she was running through traffic while they stood there.

[simba]

Vacillating. Back to "Am I just being ungrateful and picky?"

[sugarpup]

Are these relatives, like grandparents or something? They seem to treat you like a child.

[simba]

Very close friends, basically family, since I was a small child (hence there's a lot of goodwill and gratefulness and love, and that's interfering with my ability to look at it objectively). But they treat everyone like this when it comes to dogs specifically.

[juliepoudrier]

Seriously. They are putting your dogs' lives at risk. They are deliberately ignoring your requests for the care of your dogs. Was it your dog who was hit by a car? Who paid for that? What on earth is the reason for removing a dog's collar when they let it out? So if it gets lost no one will know who it belongs to? WTF?

 

You are not being ungrateful and picky. You are asking for a few simple things that are BASIC to good dog care. They are deliberately ignoring your requests. I can't help but think they are deliberately trying to hurt your dogs. Sounds like some weird (or maybe not so weird) form of passive aggressiveness to me.

 

If it were me, I'd do what it took (take a second job?) to come up with the money to either board the dogs where they'll be safe while you're gone or find a qualified pet sitter to come in twice or three times a day. Maybe if they saw that you were serious enough about your concerns to remove the dogs completely from their care they'd straighten up. Maybe not.

 

The thing is if the worst happens to one or more of your dogs, how will you feel? How will you feel toward them? If they're like family, I think I'd have that discussion with them--that is, that you would find it hard to forgive them and it would probably change your relationship with them forever if they were to cause of the injury or death of one of your dogs. Maybe that would be enough to get them to listen. Maybe not.

 

 

J.

[simba]

The dog had rolled in something, so they took the collar off until it could be washed. They'd done it before, I'd asked them not to.

 

I think the reasoning was that it smells so it's disgusting and bothering the dog. So you have to take it off. Dogs like being outside without a lead, so you do that. It's cruel to keep a dog cooped up.

 

It's all done out of what they think is good dog ownership- but it's good dog ownership without having the likes of this boards or anything. They think that when I do things that differ from their methods, I am doing them out of ignorance (hence why they do things differently without needing to ask me). They keep trying to educate me (as above- confinement does no good in house training, spay incontinence is a myth), will regularly check on my dog care etc. They really, really love dogs. They're not trying to hurt them- their own dog gets kept like this too, if anything they worry that I won't be able to take care of my dogs who they love. They are very conscientious about things that they see the need for. They are doing us a huge favour by minding the dogs, and it is a lot of work for them but it wouldn't be any more work to do it the way I want to do it. Until I can get a better solution, I just want to try and find some way to gently persuade them to do some of the things I prioritize more.

 

It was our family pet that got hit by the car, they didn't pay for it, it was never asked for though.

 

 

Edit: I honestly do not think they would listen to that line of reasoning, JuliePoudrier, though frankly I would love to try it. I think they'd just get upset and shut down. Because by their lights they are the conscientious ones, what they do is safe, they do it with their own dog, they've been doing it for years, and I'm just an ignorant young person. The broken hip and the pancreatitis don't count, because they don't see a connection with their own actions- it was the dangerous driver, and a random strike of illness.

[CptJack]

Let me train to help a little with perspective.

Which is going to make you feel worse? A dead dog, or family friends with hurt feelings?

If these were minor things, I'd say just keep talking and let it slide. Get the vet on board re: the food allergies and so on, but outside without a leash and having already resulted in one dog being hit by a car? NOPE.

 

I don't care how much they love dogs, or how big a favor they're doing for you: They are risking your dogs' lives. Ask your vet about pet sitters or if the techs there might be willing to sit for you a couple of days a week. Sometimes they're cheaper than boarding or dog walkers/in home sitters. Definitely keep pursing options, meanwhile:

*PADLOCK* a collar on your dogs if it comes to that. (Get a luggage one), and really do whatever it takes to get through their heads that they could get your dog KILLED if they refuse to leash it. Draw up a contract making them fiscally responsible and laying out your terms. Whatever it takes.

Or you're going to have good friends and no dogs to worry about, because those good friends are playing russian roulette with your pets' lives and safety.

[Liz P]

The more I hear, the more strongly I feel that I wouldn't allow them to take care of my pets. It's your decision though.

[borasaurus]

I'm so sorry about your family dog! You would think they'd realize it isn't a good idea to be off lead by the road after that happened...and the fact that it had to come down to a dog getting hit and they still don't change...

 

It's hard when it's close friends - you want to be more forgiving, but at the same time since they are your close friends you'd assume they'd listen to you and honor your wishes.

[simba]

It is such a relief to be told that it's okay to be upset about this. I feel like I have to be nice and quiet and grateful all the time, and I get angry and feel guilty over it. And because they tend to talk at me like this in this 'I am going to educate you, so that you don't do this bad thing again' way and I get flustered, it's hard NOT to feel like the young ignorant one.

[Maralynn]

Ungrateful would be nit picking a competent caregiver because your dog got one a couple too many approved treats or 10 min of exercise instead of 30 min.

 

It is NOT insisting on measures to keep your dogs safe and healthy.

 

If they continue to put your dogs at risk then they're more interested in feeding their egos than helping you care for your dogs.

[Shetlander]

Not sure of your age, but these are YOUR dogs that depend on you to keep them safe. No one else is going to speak up for them. Your friends are not just wrong but wrong headed, refusing to respect your requests or even the opinion of your vet. It sounds like you know deep down that you need to make a change somehow before one of your dogs is injured, lost or killed by these people.

 

You can be a nice, polite, lovely, and loving person and still stand up for yourself and protect your dogs. Not only that, but you deserve to be treated with the consideration and respect you offer to others. You need to believe that and own it and then send that message in your words and actions. You don't need to raise your voice or be rude, but you do need to have the conviction of your beliefs and act on them.

 

What the solution is for your situation, I don't know. But status quo sure isn't safe for the dogs or healthy for you.

[SS Cressa]

Can you just not use them? I work a couple 14 hour shifts each week. My dad sounds like your friends. Haha i just try NOT to use him as a mid-day babysitter. I have a couple other options thank gawd and some awesome friends. Do you have any other friends you can ask? Maybe instead of pay help them out with their dogs when needed?