As the journey starts nearing the end

[Gideon's girl]

You will know the right time. You are so tuned into him and so concerned with how he views his life that you will know. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm glad Jester has you.

[D'Elle]

Thank you, everyone. It is kind of you to be thinking of us.

I see that he is already more comfortable with the Prednisone; he is much more relaxed and is sleeping more comfortably and deeply. Not really able to get around any more easily. But if he is more comfortable, that is a good thing.

 

At this time I cannot help thinking of all the times that I feel I failed Jester.....did not understand him or was too hard on him for something, did not play with him because I was too distracted or tired, lost my patience, that kind of thing. As long as someone is still with you, you have the opportunity to try to make up for everything that you have done wrong; when they leave it's over. I keep trying to have a "perfect" record with my animals, but I fail each time. I know, I am human and flawed and cannot do perfect. But I wish that with the animals I could. I think with each one I have had I've done a little better than the previous one; I guess that is all I can say for myself.

[Blackdawgs]

We all fail our animals in some way at sometime. But, animals live in the moment and what matters is that you are not failing him now.

[Maralynn]

(((hugs))) to you and Jester. I hope the prednisone gives you some more quality time together.

 

Please remember, you're not perfect - no one is. But you've always worked to do best by your dogs. That's all that matter. Dogs live in the moment, you don't have to make up for anything. Just live in the moment with him.

[GentleLake]

^^ What they said, De'Elle. What they said . . .

 

Perfection is an illusion. Unreal, unattainable. It's a false dichotomy of dualistic thinking. I'll bet if he could talk, Jester would tell us that you've been perfect to and for him far more often than not.

[urge to herd]

Not one of us here on earth is perfect. Your statement, 'I think with each one I've done a little better' is a pretty good summary for most of us.

 

You've done wonderful things for your animals, for Jester in particular. And you're doing the right things in the right way now.

 

Sending mojo for you and Jester, that his last days with you be a blessing for you both.

 

Ruth and Gibbs

[D'Elle]

I had to say good bye to Jester yesterday afternoon. I took him in to our vet, who came with her tech out to my car to help him to die. I brought him home and laid him outside and took each of the other dogs one at a time to sniff him so they would know. Kit was pretty upset as I knew she would be. The others are sad as well. I buried him at sunset on my property. I feel that I made the right decision for the right reasons, but I am completely devastated and don't know how to be without him.

[Tommy Coyote]

Those first days are just so hard.

 

He was so lucky to have you. And you were so lucky to have him.

 

Let yourself grieve. Time turns that pain onto wonderful memories. Listen for him. I'm sure his spirit is right there with you.

 

I am so sorry.

[LauraV]

I'm so sorry to hear about jester. Prayers for you and your other dogs as well (especially Kit).

[GentleLake]

I couldn't have said it any better or more beautifully than Tommy Coyote did, so I won't even try.

 

But I will add my voice to the expressions of deep sympathy . . . and hugs. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

 

roxanne

[mbc1963]

So sorry to hear this. You did right by him.

[Gideon's girl]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Journey]

Aw, D'Elle, I'm so sorry but knowing from you're writings you did above and beyond and he was with the best person he could have asked for. Hugs to you and we'll keep you in our prayers.

[jvw]

D'Elle I'm so sorry. I can't say anything to make you feel better. Hugs

[sjones]

So sorry to hear this.

[CSW]

I am so very sorry.

[rushdoggie]

I'm so sorry, I know it hurts so much.

[Luana]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[D'Elle]

Thanks, everyone.

I am just flattened by this loss.

Don't seem to have the energy to do anything, not even put the stones on his grave, so it is still just a mound of earth.

I just sit.

The other animals are all pretty subdued as well.

I miss him so much that it is physically painful....my heart hurts. I have felt this before in grief.

On Tuesday the 28th it would have been the 13th anniversary of his adoption.

When I can, I will write about him in the remembrance section.

I realize that who I am missing is the Jester he always was for 13 years with me. Not the Jester that he was for the past several weeks, going downhill. I miss the beautiful, brilliant, friendly and vital dog whose energy was inexhaustible. I don't miss the dog who could hardly get up; who tried so hard to fetch the toy but kept falling down.

I know I did the right thing. But his leaving left such a huge hole in my life.

Sometimes I almost think he is beside me and I reach to pet him and he is not there. But he also is there.

Thanks for your caring.

[Maralynn]

I'm so sorry, D'Elle. It just hurts so much to loose them. I can very much relate to the flattened feeling.

 

The only thing greater than the pain of loosing them is the joy that they brought to us while we were together.

[jvw]

D'Elle, yesterday was the first day I made it thru without crying at some point. Experience your greif. But know that it will get better. The beginning is so raw and awful. But know you will get days where you can look back with joy. Hugs

[alligande]

I am so sorry D'Elle, it is so hard to lose them.

[chrisandgabe]

I can so relate to being just flattened by losing your dog. My thoughts are with you and your pack. There are no words to fix this, but do know you did well by him, and we're holding you all in our thoughts.

[Beach BCs]

I am so sorry to hear about Jester. Hugs to you.

 

When I lost my Ally it was as though someone removed all the air from my lungs, but expected me to keep on breathing. She had been a huge part of everything in my life for so long, I didn't know how to be me without her. It takes time, but it gets better. Remember the joyful days.

[D'Elle]

I am so sorry to hear about Jester. Hugs to you.

 

When I lost my Ally it was as though someone removed all the air from my lungs, but expected me to keep on breathing. She had been a huge part of everything in my life for so long, I didn't know how to be me without her. It takes time, but it gets better. Remember the joyful days.

You put it well. Thank you.

I do consciously spend more time thinking about the fun we had than about how bad I feel, but of course I still feel bad.

Jester was the most intense dog I ever had, including other border collies. I just love that intensity, that engagement with me. It is impossible to explain to anyone who doesn't love living with a border collie, and not necessary to explain to anyone who does.

 

My Kit dog is an intense border collie as well, but not as much so as Jester. Partly, I think, because she always was in orbit around Jes. Now it seems she hardly knows what to do with herself.

 

I was sitting by Jester's grave a couple of nights ago and Kit came along and tried to dig it up. I had to try to explain to her that that would not work.

 

Kit will turn 15 in December. Although doing well, she will not be with me for many more years. Once she is gone I will have two wonderful small dogs whom I adore, who are very good dogs, but not border collies. I think about this. I will want a border collie. But I really do not need more than two dogs. This goes around in my head a lot.