Becoming discouraged

[BriocheIsLove]

So I have had my BC pup for about 3 weeks now and I'm in love. Hes such a great dog and I couldn't have asked for better. One thing though is that I don't really feel him bonding to me. He's VERY independent and isn't too playful with people. But when he sees other people (my boyfriend, mom, dad, etc) he goes wild with affection. Kisses and whining and wiggling and the sorts. He just doesn't seem to give two shits about me, or at least that's how I'm feeling. His recall is pretty bad too:/ he is a master at ignoring me, haha.

 

I'm just wondering if anyone has some words of advice or encouragement for this struggling mama!

[Sue R]

I have a dog a bit like that - Dan is very independent and has been since a pup. He can go wild with excitement over someone he's never met (and he goes absolutely bonkers over children and young people of all ages). But he seems to take me "for granted". In the vet office the other day, when picking him up from some mouth suture repair, he was more interested in the other person in the waiting room than in being reunited with me. The tech who brought him out was convinced, for a bit, that I was not "Dan's person" but that the other person was.

 

Dan's recall as a young dog was abysmal. I kept him on a long line for a long time because, unlike any other pup I've had, he couldn't care less about coming to my recall unless it totally suited him. So, I used the long line so he couldn't ignore me or walk away. I spent one-on-one time with him (and with treats, which did make a big difference) making the recall special and a positive thing. I've made an effort to find out some of the things that really appeal to him and do those things together, without the other dogs.

 

I also concentrated (with the recall) on using it in a fun way - I'd call, he'd come, I'd give a treat, and I'd release him to continue sniffing or playing or whatever. Too often, we associate the recall with a negative thing - like going back in the house, going in the crate, ending the fun or the game or the sniffing about. Make only one recall out of 10 or 20 to be the end of something good, and make the 9 or 19 a good thing in itself (like with a treat for reward or something else he enjoys like a toy). Do the same thing with calling (or leading) him to the house so that going home or going in is not a negative thing or an end of fun.

 

Dan is much more affectionate now and while his interest is often directed away from me, we have developed a bond. He has a very good recall for a dog that really wants to seek out new people and new things. We have a comfortable relationship - but he will always be Dan and not another dog that might be more like what I'd like in a dog.

 

Meanwhile, the dog I absolutely love and dote on, still does not cuddle with me but kisses up to and cuddles with my husband, has a wonderful recall, is not independent and needs lots of support, and doesn't much like to leave my side. I raised them both but each has very distinct and different personalities.

 

So - don't let him ignore you. Use the long line. Use irresistable treats. Be positive. And realise that there are animals (and people) who are just as attached (or grow up to be just as attached) but who just don't demonstrate that attachment in the same way that we would like to see it. Some of them are just more intrigued by the novelty of new people, new places, new things - but that doesn't mean they don't need the comfort and security of the very one they tend to take for granted.

 

I'm sure others will give you much better advice!

[Jumpin Boots]

Timber was that way until about 6 months. The first few weeks home when it was quiet time in the evening he would go curl up in the other room all by himself and go to sleep. We had one of his litter mates for the first week whom was completely affectionate and we felt like we had the wrong puppy. But Timber slowly came around. It took several months before he really seemed to want affection from us. He was always pretty engaged outside, but inside was his own little guy. Looking back I don't think he really knew about house life and was adjusting to a lot if new things.

 

A few things we did was not to force ourselves. When he did want attention give it to him and make it wonderful with great cookies and very upbeat, but always end cuddle/play sessions when he was still engaged and wanting more.

 

For us it wasn't so much that he wasn't interested at all, just that he was confident and didn't need puppy love, which I did At about 6 months he realized cuddle time was great! He now has nightly cuddle time with my guy in his chair and loves to flop on me and get his belly rubs in the evening. I agree that is was rather disheartening for the first couple months when I was expecting this little love bug and instead was given the cold puppy shoulder.

[Sue R]

Dan was like Timber. He would take himself off to the bedroom and into his night crate, and we'd be looking all over the house for him.

[ChantalB]

Training and lots of it. Find a fun class, or even better coupled with an online program and go through the tasks lists. I recommend Silvia Trkmans puppy class. Shaping and using their mind getting them to really love working with you should help.

 

Do a lot of fun activities together and really reinforce YOU. Click and treat interest on you, treat yourself like an object you are acclimatizibg your dog to.restrained recalls to you and a lot of chase me games, get him using his drive and run, making him happy and associating that to you.

 

Don't despair some dogs can be 'jerks' like that, it's nothing in you, except your going have to put in much extra effort.

[rushdoggie]

He may turn out to be like Sue's Dan, or maybe like my Swiffer who didn't have much use for me until she was an adult and even then only was affectionate on her terms. Nowadays at 9 shes actually pretty snuggly and has a happy dance when I get home.

 

Either way, he is the dog he is and hes got a unique personality. Given time you will get attached to each other in some way and you will probably appreciate his personality and interactions as being uniquely his. Try not to be discouraged.

[gcv-border]

I think the advice and examples above give you an idea that each dog has his own personality and quirks. That is not to say that you can not mold him into being more focused and tuned into you - again, see above advice about using LOTS of positive reinforcement (treats, toys or whatever floats his boat - one of my dogs likes butt scritches).

 

My dog is very focused on me and has always had a very good recall, BUT whenever someone new comes into view, it is as if his training goes out the window, and he positively vibrates with the need to go and great that person. I have seen him stare down people in a store who are definitely trying not to look at him, and eventually they give up.

 

You have only had him for 3 weeks, be patient.

 

Jovi

[Sue R]

One other thing to remember, and others may have suggested this, is that (like people) dogs can range from very demonstrative to very aloof in their behavior. But that doesn't necessarily mean that they are not "attached" to you.

 

This is a youngster and as others have said, do things with him, make it fun, use irresistible treats, make yourself more engaging than anything else around - and don't forget the long line!

[Gary_and_Karen]

After Xena has been in her crate sleeping all night if I am the only one in the room when I let her out of the crate she will be excited to see me, give me a few kissies, snuggle her head against me and lay back for some tummy rubs - BUT - if my wife happens to be in the room when I first let her out of the crate Xena will zoom right past me as if I wasn't even there and give affection to my wife instead, and yes it can be disheartening (even though I am glad she is attached to my wife also) but I can console myself that Xena does give me affection, but gives my wife preference if we are both in the same room when she is first let out of the crate.

 

Now when Xena is on the bed relaxing with us for a while in the evening chewing her rawhide bone she will give us both attention, being closer to my wife for a while, then me for a while

 

......but stay encouraged, more bonding can occur over time with patience.

 

The others seem to have given pretty good advice - make time with you fun and rewarding - and be patient knowing that any seeming lack of outward affection does not automatically mean there is no feelings there.

[Diana A]

I had a dog like that, my first female border collie, so I thought it was a girl thing at first (I have had other girls since who were not like that at all). It felt like I was watching someone else's puppy for the first couple of months I had her and that she wasn't my dog at all. She was very independent and not the type to just tag along with me like all my previous puppies.

 

We were doing agility back then (I hadn't been introduced to sheep yet) and as she got older and we started more training, the 'job' bonded us. She was always very serious about her work - I used to swear she was someone's world team dog reincarnated, as she picked up the agility skills so quickly and took them so seriously. I became an integral part of the work she loved so much, and we quickly developed a special 'team mate' bond that was just different from the touchy-feely 'pet' bond I had always had with my boys.

 

As she got older she got quite affectionate and snuggly and we ended up being very bonded. I think it took her a while to decide that I was really her person and was around for the long haul. And the relationship we developed doing agility, where we each had mutual trust in the other holding up their end of things, was phenomenal. Even when she wasn't 'in your face' affectionate, we just had a comfortable trusting 'I know you have my back' kind of relationship, which eventually ended up feeling stronger than any of my boys' automatic and more overt displays of affection. Almost like the boys were hard-wired to adore me and I could take it for granted, but my girl made a conscious decision about it and would show me in little ways each day 'I've decided you're actually pretty cool and I like being around you'.

[Shazmnldb]

BriochelsLove

 

Don't be discouraged my little girl is 5 months old and has always been more affectionate and responsive with my husband and son. It used to upset me too but Lilli and I now have our own special time together just the two of us and she is loving me a little bit more. We do obedience classes together. Try and find something special to do together without everyone else around. Obedience is great because they love it. Good luck and don't be discouraged

[Liz P]

Relationships take time to build, sometimes many months or even years.

 

Relationships also require work, trust and respect.

 

Not all relationships are the same because we all have unique personalities.

 

Unfortunately, not all relationships work out. However, if you don't make an effort you will never know.

 

I've had dogs that were more aloof. I had to earn their respect. They were never super cuddly. Their idea of showing affection might be a quick glance and tail wag. My most loyal, honest, hard working dog was like that. The first 2 years or so that I had him I wondered if he even loved me. I should have never doubted his devotion to me. He showed it differently than most dogs, but once I really understood him I realized he would do ANYTHING for me. I miss him every single day.

[G. Festerling]

Don't be discouraged! Everyone has already given such good encouragement.

I have been thinking about the different personalities a lot lately as well.

A few days ago I mentioned that my second favorite dog, past my old Blimpie of course, is her son Thor. Everyone looked at me in astonishment. Took me totally by surprise. For nine+ years now he has been my protector, my cuddle bunny, my "let me come to the oval office with you when you feel bad because I need to watch that you don't fall in" dog. My "if you cluck to a horse that must mean you need help and I will move them for you" pain in the rear. My "I will do anything but jump in the pool for you" when the muddy pond is just fine, dog.

He is one of the most social dogs ever! Runs up to everyone, wiggles, happy dances, brings them sticks to play. And it seems that at that moment he does not even know I am there...but oh, he does.

And at night, when everyone is put up and it is time to go to sleep, he will stand over me, drop himself down and slide right into place so that there is not even a spot to slide a piece of paper in between us. But only, when it is him and me.

After all, can't let everyone know what a mamas boy he is.

[bcnewe2]

I have more than one dog like that. I thought it was me. Then DH said the minute I leave they are all looking hangdog waiting for me to come home.

 

I think it's the Mom or parent syndrome. You are the best but you are still the MOM or the parent. Outside things are way more exciting than the lady (or man) who feeds dinner, does potty routines, and sees to our daily needs.

 

BUT...once you start training them to do something they love, in our case it is working stock but I can imagine for some being agility or Frisbee or what ever you decide to do with you pup that they will bond to you even more.

 

Don't get discouraged. If my dogs were hurt or scared by something they don't go looking for anyone but me and I'm sure your pup would too. I know they love me. Some just don't want or need to show it as much as others!

 

And when you have multiple dogs sometime you are grateful for a bit of peace from the easy going ones.

[bcnewe2]

He is one of the most social dogs ever! Runs up to everyone, wiggles, happy dances, brings them sticks to play. And it seems that at that moment he does not even know I am there...but oh, he does.

And at night, when everyone is put up and it is time to go to sleep, he will stand over me, drop himself down and slide right into place so that there is not even a spot to slide a piece of paper in between us. But only, when it is him and me.

After all, can't let everyone know what a mamas boy

This tells the story of these special dogs. I love the way you describe the spot where a piece of paper can't slide between you. It's a heartwarming feeling.

[Shetlander]

^{Quinn was close to 6 months old before I felt we really bonded. Up to that point he was way too busy and naughty to think a whole lot about me one way or the other. I left him with a house sitter for a few days and I swear my absence prompted him to decide I was pretty nice to have around. That was the first time he spontaneously offered me any significant affection by coming up to me to give me a big hug. He was a very independent pup and remains so to this day (he will turn 8 in a couple weeks). His recall took years to become truly reliable. All my other dogs devloped great recalls through a little training, a lot of reinforcement and simple habit. However, despite his independence and a recall that took a ton of effort on my part, Quinn also keeps constant track of where I am and is, in his own way, a big mommy's boy. Hang in there. I think most puppies are a little weird, but they generally grow into pretty wonderful dogs.}

[geonni banner]

My dog is crazy about our dog-walker. When he comes to the door she goes into an ecstatic dance. If he is present no one else matters. I could get jealous, but what the heck - he shows up, takes her to fun and exciting places and brings two or three of her best canine friends. When he drops her off he gives her a treat. If I was a dog I'd love him too!

 

But when he brings her back she happily comes inside without a backward glance, gives me a wag, a slurp and then crashes for an hour.

 

I know Sugarfoot is fond of me. If I feel bad she's right there, and stays with me. We have a "spooning session" every morning. We play, we hang out, we are buds. She's not an overly demonstrative dog, but I like that. If I wanted grinning static cling I'd have gotten a Golden Retriever.

 

I think what you are having is the "Grandma Syndrome." You are mom. You make her eat her vegetables, teach her self-restraint and manners, and all that other mom stuff. Everybody else is Grandma - they fuss over her, break or don't know the rules of decorum, etc.

 

Give her time. As her character develops her bond with you will deepen. If you do your job she will know that you are the one to depend upon. She will give you her real love, her respect, and her trust. And that's much better that all that flirting and "Snoopy dancing" she does for "Grandma."

[BriocheIsLove]

You guys have all given such great advice. And thank you so much for taking the time to do so.

I have been working on positive reinforcement with Cash and it really has seemed to make a big difference, and he loves play time with me more than he used to. He seems to becoming more attached actually just with me being in the other room and he likes to follow me around when he isn't confined to one room. I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel!

You guys are all so great and I'm blessed to be apart of this community!

Much love!

[Urban Borders]

IEven when she wasn't 'in your face' affectionate, we just had a comfortable trusting 'I know you have my back' kind of relationship, which eventually ended up feeling stronger than any of my boys' automatic and more overt displays of affection. Almost like the boys were hard-wired to adore me and I could take it for granted, but my girl made a conscious decision about it and would show me in little ways each day 'I've decided you're actually pretty cool and I like being around you'.

I love that. Never quite figured out how to describe Mer's opinion of me, but "I've got your back" is right. Mer was my first BC, and the first year and a half of her life she obviously thought I was completely superfluous, and she never listened to a word I said. From the day we went to pick her up, she ignored me. The only time she paid attention to me was when she was biting me, and her recall was nonexistent. I'd take steak with me to the dog park, she'd ignore me completely to stare at other dogs, or play by herself with toys. Once I walked out of the dog park, locked her in there by herself, and hid behind a bush outside. She glanced up when I left, then merrily proceeded to amuse herself for a solid half hour, playing with a couple of tennis balls all by her lonesome. I was in tears when I finally went back inside and chased her around the park until I caught her.

 

Mer didn't trust me at all, because she had a series of orthopedic issues and of aversive experiences with me (I was told I had to put her in her place, make her respect me...BIGGEST mistake I could have made, I couldn't make her do anything, and I ended up with dog that abhorred physical contact with me). Fortunately, I found a trainer that I spent a summer with, and who taught me about earning a dog's trust. At first, I had to reward her simply for eye contact, and for paying attention to me. I'd drop food on the floor and say her name, taught her "look at me" and "touch my hand" cues, and played recall games without end (throw one toy, call her back, throw a second toy past me in the other direction; also "follow-the-leader," where we'd run around the fields with her chasing me, and she'd get recall cue and then a toy or treat as she caught up with me). Eventually we worked out a game/way of taking our daily walk that involved me throwing the toy behind me, then racing away and letting her catch up with me. I also didn't touch her unless SHE solicited it, by coming up and nudging my hand, and I DS/CC'd her to being touched all over her body.

 

Four years later (I can't believe how time has flown), she is my best friend. I take her everywhere: she's flown on planes with me, has followed me through four moves, and is beloved by students and colleagues at my work, where she can often be found sleeping under my desk. She runs around the park in Philly and ignores bikers, joggers, and other dogs; I practice her recall (to huge chunks of chicken) at least three times on our daily walk. Most of all, she's taught me all about agility, and has become an amazing training and trialling partner. But that is what she is, and always will be: my partner. She's still not overly affectionate (with me), although I eventually taught her to cuddle on cue. And she still can't be made to do anything she doesn't want to do. She doesn't do her job because she "obeys" or "respects" or "submits" to me; but she does give 110% to said job because she loves it, and because she trusts me as her teammate (which I will always be honored to be).

[mum24dog]

It took about 4 years with Charlie. He spent the first year of his life (before we got him) doing pretty much as he pleased and not needing people at all. They were fine if they gave him food but weren't a necessity to him. Nice enough dog with no real issues except rabbits and cats but much more into other dogs than people.

 

Having said that, he always seemed to have a preference for men, especially young men. Funnily enough he was the only one my husband ever volunteered to take out, but they did have similar personalities.

 

A recall was very hard work to get - about a year before I was reasonably confident that I could manage him off lead well enough and for him to come back (maybe not immediately).

 

It took more than a year for the first real breakthrough - he followed a family with a dog along the beach and round the headland, then reappeared and ran back to us. The first real indication that he identified with us.

 

Another couple of years and I got a real buzz when he would come running back if I held up the lead. OK, food was involved but if that's what it takes..... So different from the early days when I had to try and hide all signs that I might want to put his lead on.

 

Another year and ......... he would sometimes come to me to be stroked. He was always OK with it but humans had to go to him, he would never ask for it.

 

Sadly he died aged only 6 but when it comes to a sense of satisfaction and achievement my relationship with him was something special.

[lonestarace]

I'm glad I read this! My pup is 5 months old today...we brought him home when he was 9 weeks. I've spent tons of time with him, and we're taking a Puppy Class once a week at the vet's office so he can socialize and both of us learn some new things. I've taught him a lot at home; the basics, recall, drop it, leave are all good, and we go to the park several times a week (we live on a farm) so he can get used to other people, dogs, bicycles, etc. He does fine, but like some of the other dogs on here, he's happy to see me but then becomes totally bored with me very quickly. It's like Disneyland whenever anyone else shows up...he ignores treats and my voice if someone new approaches. It's as if I'm Old News.... As someone else said, he wants me in the area, but then ignores me unless HE wants attention. He's pretty independent around home, but is a bit spooky if something new comes into the picture...he'll look at me and I tell him he's okay, and he watches and listens to whatever he sees. My old dog was an Aussie that thought the sun rose and set with me...he always wanted to play, was totally tuned in to me whenever we were together, learned tons of tricks, and wanted to be with me...actually interacting with me...whenever he could. So this dog makes me feel a bit jilted! I love the little bugger though, so I'll just keep after it. He loves everyone, including the cat, which I'm thankful for. This page sure makes me feel better....thanks!